Remember the good old days when Friday meant more than just the end of school or work? It meant something far superior than that. It meant something that surpassed paychecks and not having to worry about homework. It meant something that had far more of an impact than a couple of days off from the daily grind. What did it mean, you ask? It’s simple.
Friday meant 2 hours of Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers and Step by Step. Now all we’re left with is some lousy made for TV movie. However, this actually has nothing to do whatsoever with my topic for today. It was just something I had to get off my chest.
So what I’d like to talk about today is a thoughtful yet ultimately unanswerable question. Those are the best, aren’t they?
If you’ve read my bio, you know I don’t exactly have the most prolific athletic history. When your most vivid memory of playing sports is remembering when you fell on your butt into a puddle of mud on the infield and then couldn’t sit in the car on the way home because of it, then it’s safe to say that your primary role in sports is that of a fan. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of because fans are important.
So with that in mind, which sport is the greatest fan sport? Meaning, which one offers the most to it’s fans in exchange for their rabid enthusiasm and a percentage of their paycheck? And since it’s Friday and no one wants to work anyways, I’m asking you guys to chime in big time and let me know what your thoughts on the issue.
But to get things started, I’ve created a list of pros and cons for each sport.
Pros – 162 games over 6 months (not including the playoffs, which means you can watch your team play almost every night during the season. In the Braves case, between March 30 and September 28, there will only be 18 days where they won’t be playing a game.
Thanks to foul balls, home runs, and generous outfielders, it allows you the greatest chance to walk away from the game with a souvenir.
Cons – the potential of being put in a coma through A) a viscious line drive or B) the pitcher who just can’t seem to throw a strike anymore.
Having to constantly watch the players adjust their jock straps.
Pros – The 16 game schedule allows for greater intensity because each game carries a lot more weight.
It’s always funny when an opposing players lifts his face out of the dirt and has grass stuck in his helmet.
Cons – It gets a little tiresome to hear John Madden say things like, “Well the quarterback mongoose chaw kumquat gizzard oompa loompa….TOUCHDOWN!”
During the Super Bowl halftime show, you’re forced to either watch either some aging rocker who miraculously lived to age 60 or the latest teenaged sibling of another pop star. Would it be too much to ask for an act that’s somewhere in between?
Pros – You get to hear the commentators say things like “That is what this game is all aboot.”
It proves that you don’t have to have your real teeth to be successful
Cons – It’s easier to figure out the square root of 2928372934579827 than it is to learn how to pronounce half of the players’ names.
You don’t get to drive the Zamboni
Pros – Smaller arenas make it a lot easier for fans to be closer to the action. And the proximity of courtside seats enables Jack Nicholson to wear sunglasses inside and still see what’s going on.
It made Converse All Stars very famous in the 1950s.
Cons – You celebrate 3 of your own birthdays and your neighbor’s son’s bar mitzvah in the same amount of time it takes the teams to play the final 2 minutes.
Pros – You get to practice your polite clap, which incidentally also comes in handy at weddings, graduations, and when your friend asks you to come watch their interpretive dance routine.
You get to unload unwanted cameras by intentionally taking a picture during Tiger Woods’ backswing
Cons – With the price of oil, a golf cart is looking more and more like the only car you can afford.
Pros – By the time you’re done watching a match, your neck can bench press 200 pounds.
Let’s face it, you never get tired of watching the ball boy frantically run from one end of the net to the other.
Cons – The women’s grunting scares you a little
You realize that the frumpy looking net judge has entirely too much power for someone sitting in a high-chair.
Pros – Makes death seem like not such a bad thing after all
Cons – Explains why the prices of brooms and kettles have more than tripled at your local Wal-Mart since the last winter Olympics.
So there you go, just a few things to consider as we discuss which sport is the best one for spectators. I look forward to everyone’s contributions! And long live Balki Bartokamous.